26 Elephants
by Robrator
Summary: The not really true story of one die- hard fan-girl's journey behind the red velvet rope. CrackFic.
1. Chapter 1

**Title : 26 Elephants - **_**The not really true story of one die- hard fan-girl's journey behind the red velvet rope.**_

**Synopsis - When Billie Swinne finally gets her chance to get up close and personal with her no 1 celeb crush Jasper Pattinson, star of the No 1 hit movie series, **_**Draco Cullen's Diaries**_** and base player for the No 1 rock band in the world - **_**26 Elephants**_** - will she finally get the chance to live out her dream? Or will she be left crushed at the bottom of the fan-girl pile?**

**Note : Any similarities to existing vampires, wizards and megastars (both living and dead) is not coincidental at all. It should be noted that it is pure crackfic.**

Suspenders. From the little I could see from my vantage point, he was born to wear them, especially paired with his cowboy hat and kerchief round his neck.

I'd been waiting all day for my moment in the sun, so to speak, and my feet were really starting to hurt in my black suede, knee-length boots.

When I heard that HE was coming to my city for a signing, I just couldn't help myself, I knew I had to be there. Add in the fact that his band was also coming for some private gigs, and I just knew I had to be at both the signing and private gigs. So far I had managed to score tickets to 2 of their gigs.

26 Elephants! That had to be the weirdest name for a band I had ever heard. When I would tell most of my friends, they would be like - WHO?

Some of their lyrics were a bit odd, and I did have to wonder what drugs they were taking when they filmed one particular video, but I still loved both the band ... and the guitarist. I could see him from my position in the queue at this precise moment, and it was making my ovaries happy campers.

The tweens. Their screams were deafening me and they ruined every damn convention I went to. It was always more fun at the eighteen and over. Man I loved those events.

But I digress.

I was telling you about the sex god I was waiting to meet.

Jasper Pattinson.

Not only was he the star of one of my favourite movie series, Draco Cullen's Diaries (all about a werewolf who cannot die and the shy boring vampire that loves him) but through that, I had discovered his band 26 Elephants. He made up a quarter of the band along with Peter Rathboner on keyboard , Kellan Potter on drums, and the vocalist and other guitarist Robert Lautner. Most females thought Rob (or R-Autner as he was nicknamed in the media) was the sexiest man alive. Personally I just had a thing for Jasper. Some fans nicknamed him J-Pattz, however I had it on good authority he hated being called that, and jokingly referred to himself as Junk-Hansom. But to die-hards like me, he was just Jasper. The quintessential southern cowboy, who played an axe like no other.

Slowly the crowd moved on, I got closer to the objection of my affection, and before I knew it I was next in line to go up for Jasper's autograph. There were also 5 other cast members here, but I had no interest in them. I only had eyes for Jasper. I couldn't wait for his gig tonight, it was gonna be epic.

I tugged on my short black skirt, and stepped up closer to him when security gave me the okay to pass.

And stopped short with a gasp.

Oh-Em-Gee. The hat he was wearing had to be the sexiest motherfucking hat I'd even seen.

"Nice hat," I word-vomited with a smile. Outwardly I was cool, calm and collected but on the inside I was face-palming myself. He must think I'm a complete and utter loon.

"Well hello there, Darlin'. I think so too but try telling _him _that,_"_ He said, with a wink and a grin while pointing to his manager who was standing offstage.

And cue the drooling. The man was a sexy mother effing beast.

I blushed, and tugged my skirt lower as I felt the dripping down my leg. Damn the man!

"Will you be wearing the hat at 26 Elephants?"

He looked at me as he passed my signed picture back to me, with that devilish grin of his. "Are you going?" He asked me, and then he cocked his eyebrow. "What's your name?"

I stared dumbly at him, thinking he couldn't possibly want to know my name. "Billie", I stumbled out.

"Billie," he repeated, signing the CD next, and passing it back to me.

"Well, Billie, will you be going tonight?" he asked with his signature devilish grin.

I nodded with a smile. This man would be the death of me.

"Billie, what's your last name?"

"_Swinn,_" I whispered conspiratorially.

"Nice to meet you, Billie Swinn. I'll leave your name at the door. See you tonight." he said winking again

And just like that - I, Billie Swinne, nobody from bumfucktown, got a backstage pass to 26 Elephants.


	2. Chapter 2

As I walked up to the front of the VIP line (ignoring the looks of the bogans and skanks queueing up to get in) I adjusted my new dress. I hadn't been sure whether to go with the whole black satin and lace combo, but my best friend, Allie, assured me that I would look hot with my hair straightened and my 6 inch heels (along with what she referred to as my killer pins - her words, most _definitely _not mine). I walked up to the security guard on the door, and as he looked at me like I had no place being here, I gave him the bitch-brow. I'd show him I thought, and told him my name. After all, Jasper had specifically wanted me in VIP. _God, I really hoped he was wearing the hat._

He soon found my name on his list and let me through, checking out my ass as I walked past. I walked inside and noticed the place was PACKED. There really were skanks everywhere, and bogans en-mass. I quickly made my way up front to where all the boys were tuning up their instruments. Jasper ginned as he spotted me, and walked to the front of the stage with that killer smirk of his. He bent down to whisper in my ear.

"Billie! Glad you could make it. I'll make sure you get a VIP pass backstage. Just make your way through."

He gave me another quick wink, and a smirk, as he stood up to talk to security. I walked to the VIP rope at the side of the stage where he was talking to a guy who looked like his manager. Before I knew it, the red velvet rope was being pulled back and I was ushered backstage with all the other entourage. My inner fan-girl tried not to squee out loud at all the familiar faces back there. I'd seen them all in paparazzi shots with 'the boys' out and about (I'd never admit to that of course - what would Jasper think?).

There was Jinnie Farth (married to Peter) who was currently talking to Manna-Lyn, who is Kellan's on-off girlfriend (though there's been many rumours that Kellan was into boys as well). It would certainly explain his attraction to Manna. And standing in the far corner chain smoking, pulling on her hair, and hanging out with her assistant was Krisbian Stowart, the much rumored lover of R-Autner (personally I had my doubts with the way she was currently all over her 'assistant'). Neither of them had yet confirmed or denied the rumors, instead toeing the party line of 'just friends'. I took a seat on one of the spare green velvet chairs (how cliche right?) and settled in to wait for the start of the Elephant's set.

I could hear the opening chords of their first song , ironically titled, 26 Elephants. I felt the adrenaline pumping now, as all the fan-girls in the crowd started their tween-like squealing. God, that would never be me...well not this time anyway. As the boys played their set, I bopped away and sang along with all the lyrics. Occasionally, Jasper would look over to the backstage area and smile at me, making me weak in the knees. He had worn the knitted hat with the monkey on it from the signing, and was wearing a pin stripe jacket, shirt, tie and aviators. On his feet were his trademark cowboy boots. On anybody else this outfit would look pretty fucked up, but it suited him perfectly. It practically screamed hobo cowboy and suited his general 'I don't give a fuck' attitude.

After the first set, all the boys came running off the stage for a break. As he approached me, I realised Jasper didn't have anybody else waiting for him, apart from me. Huh, how very odd. He walked towards me with a smile and I couldn't help the goofy grin that spread across my face. He grabbed a bottle of, what I assumed was water, and swaggered over to me.

"Billie. How you liking the set? Did you like my _axe_?" he whispered, with a smirk and a wink. He really would be the death of me. And my panties.

I tried to act all nonchalant, but it was impossible with this god of pretty in front of me. I vaguely heard the other band members walking past me, but I only had eyes for Jasper. I even managed to drown out the screams of the other fan-girls waiting on the other side of the red velvet rope.

Even though the sweat was pouring off him, he was still wearing his hat, and loosely tugged on the earflaps. He winked at me as he grabbed my hand, making his way to the food table, me in tow behind him. He picked at the sweets and turned to look at me with a smirk, asking what I'd like to drink.

He turned back to the table with a laugh and grabbed himself a drink of Jim Beam whiskey for himself and a corona for me, and made his way back to me with a swagger. He swung his arm around my shoulders and looked at me with a grin.

"Hey, Billie, you ready to blow this joint?"

This was my moment.

I could not believe all my wildest dreams were about to come true. I was leaving with the man of my dreams, Jasper Pattinson. I had loved him from afar for so long, and now FINALLY I was getting the chance to live out my long-held fantasy. It still felt so surreal. Being a backstage VIP for the 26 Elephants gig was fan-girl worthy, but this? Now I could die a happy girl.

"What about the rest of your set?" I asked him.

"Billie...we're finished. That was our set. Now I really need to blow this joint. The fan-girls are driving me freaking crazy...the only one I'm interested in seeing is you. I knew as soon as I met you today, that I wouldn't be able to stay away. If I had to make a choice between this and hanging with you. There's no competition, It's you. It will _always_ be you."

And with those words, and the smouldering looks he was sending my way, I grabbed his hand and prepared to get out of there.

My dreams waited for no man.

Except J-Patz and his fuckworthy hat.


End file.
